Simple Methods To CONTROL Your Child!

Methods to control other people seem too far in the future for most of us! We want to control that employer that keeps trying to make you keep deadlines, the 'so called friends' that never want to do what you want to do or the other half who just can't stop saying "No" (or sometimes F*** off). At the top of the list there is something that we want to control more than all of these put together, 'Our children'.

We want to control their every movement so they don't injure themselves, we want to control what they eat because that month old 'raisin' behind the bookshelf isn't good enough in our minds, we want to control what they see, draw and learn all at once.

And I say 'we' to signify controlling and overprotective mothers such as myself, but there are also others, those with the looks of "control your child" or even their enormous gobs that they use to voice their concerns.

Here are Some simple methods that I have come up with (without futuristic mind control) to control that inquisitive toddler or boisterous child of yours:

Wave your magic wand or bubbles:  A child's mood is picked by the distraction capabilities of their adult counterpart. Bubbles come everywhere with me, it not only entertains your child during a boredom tantrum but also helps distract them from any cuts or scrapes that they may have attained.

 

Use the force.... to breath: In and out, in and out. Your toddler wants those cheese puffs they've just seen in aisle 5 and if they don't get it they will probably go hulk on your ass! Remain calm, pull out a camera and take a video for their 21st.

Bribe the s**t out of them: I have a row of bribing tools for nappy changes, clothing changes and medicine taking. These tools include but are not limited to the cat's chew toy, chocolate biscuits ( reserved for "Hulk Summer" only), baby wipe packets and other things she is generally not allowed. If it works for the mafia why can't it work for us!

 

Let it go: Take a leaf out Frozen's book. Let Elsa be Elsa, let Dr Phil be Dr Phil and let your child be your child. Let that Jerk in the deli line telling you to control your child continue being a jerk and revel in the fact that his wife is probably a bigger nag that you.

Communication comparison- Before Kids and After Kids!

I was just reading a text yesterday and I thought, if I was anyone but the mother of his child this would be an entirely inappropriate text.

Before you had a kid, the only reason you would text your other half during work hours would be to tell him things like:

"I miss you, love you, can't wait for you to get home!"

Now the only reason you want the other half home is:

"You need to knock off early, actually now.... it's screaming and won't stop!"

Communication while grocery shopping:

Before kids:     (Via text) What do you feel like for tea, fettucine, or Ravioli?
After kids:       (Phone call) *Child screaming in background* Have we still got those McCains frozen meals in the freezer?

Texts while [Other Half] "out with friends":

Before kids:  (Text)  (2am) [Me] I'm heading to bed now, back doors unlocked for you xx
After kids:    (Text)  (7pm) [Other Half]"On way home now, Little miss has a code brown"
                              (7.01pm)  [Me]"Bags not"

Texts between friends:

Before kids: (Text) (9.30pm) [Friend] "Wanna Hang"
                                          [Me]    "Sure"
After kids: (Text) (9.30pm)   [Friend] "Wanna Hang"
                                          [Me]    "Dude you woke me up!"

Text while [I'm] on vacation:

Before kids: (Phone call) (11pm) [Other half] "Miss you"
                                               [Me]   "Oh it's only for a few days"
After kids: (Text)           (4.30pm) [Me] " Miss you"
                                             [Other half] "I think it's good for little miss to be visiting her relatives"