You're Failing As A Parent

Ever wonder what people are thinking when they blink furiously at you while you're apologizing for something your little one has done or is about to do.

Well in everyone else's eyes, they can do it better. If they were raising your child they would have had them napping while you were on your coffee date.

They, would of course have taken into account the 4 times you got up to your teething toddler in the night (They probably would have let her cry it out), the couple of poo explosions that you had to dash through trying to get ready for the coffee outing (Of course they would use cloth diapers as they are better for the environment and more natural for bub's bum), the laundry that you had to wrangle through as a result of the explosions so there was no stains left in the clothes, and then you have to find and pack the bottles, (Breast is best, they say), diapers, wipes, and entertainment toys (They would of organised that the night before.) Yes they definitely could do it better, they say, or even more aggravating is when they say "Oh yes I've been through that and this is how I did it better than you."

You know they are thinking in their mind as they smile that curved, judgmental, all knowing smile

"You're Failing As A Parent"

 Reality is THEY JUST DON'T KNOW! Those that don't have kids don't understand the full time job they cause and those that do have kids seem to have a memory like sieve, one of those metal sieves, hard and spiky..... and judgmental

What do you do? The answer is nothing, accept that from a very outside point of view with no real understanding it may look as if you are "Failing as a Parent" but it's like trying to teach a 3 year old statistics, they just aren't going to understand it, no matter how hard you try.

All these 3 year stats students come in different shapes and forms:

We have the 'Go Natural' type- Usually found in small hippie vegan cafes or natural health shops, these people will increase your child's risk of SIDS as they highly endorse co-sleeping (Not that I'm against it) until a very healthy age, and running around nappy less, number 1 and 2ing all over your floor or even worse using the dreaded 'cloth diapers.'

We have the 'Doing so well' type- Beware of the fake smiles as they squeeze you dry of all the gossip they can get to pass on to others about your terrible way of parenting. Don't be fooled if they have a baby in tow also, they want to know why they are doing the parenting gig way better than you.

We have the "Done it all before" type- "Rub whisky on her gums just before she goes to bed" your neighbours tells you, "I did it for all my kids and my grandkids". Obviously you shouldn't give liquor to children in any capacity..... even if it is just a finger of it. These are the ones that encourage Cry it out when THEY don't think your baby's sleep routine is up to scratch. If the mother isn't up for CIO, it can put more strain on her, and that is the last thing you want.

We have the "By the book" type- Everything has to be done the way they read somewhere. No matter what trained professionals have advised you, it's probably all rubbish in their BOOKS.


I could go on and on about the types of judgemental people, why do I do this? Because identifying the enemy (as such) makes them a whole lot less scary and intimidating. So just sit back, relax, break the cycle and don't judge other mothers.

By the way "You are doing fantastic job at motherhood!"

Born to be a mother..... NOT!

In life there are a lot of people you see that you know are going to make great mothers. Those caring, gentle souls that are impossible to dislike and are far to optimistic for their own good are put on this earth to make wonderful mothers. But for the other 99% of the population, nothing about mothering comes naturally. However, if you are pregnant or a new mother and worrying that you might being doing have done everything wrong, revel in the fact that this alone makes you one of the most caring mothers around. 

Guilt- Plays a huge part in mothering. I have felt guilty all of about 2 times in the last few months. Once was when Summer fell of the bed when I turned around for two minutes. In fact I don't know who was crying the hardest me or her. The other time I felt "mother guilt" was when I realized I wasn't spending enough  time of my day with her instead I was catching up on my 'BIG BROTHER' addiction.

Let Go of the Past--  There is nothing you can do but learn from mistakes you make, forgive yourself so your child can learn to forgive herself to.

Vanity- I guess another word for this can be ego. I find myself shusshing Summer a lot in public because I am worried what others might think of her loud babbling but at home I can't think of a better noise. God forbid if she cries in public it's like my dignity has disappeared down the toilet. I've realised lately that I have to stop this, as when she gets older she will take it that I am disappointed in her and not realise it's my own vanity that is stopping her from having the fun she deserves.

Let them be kids

Disappointment- I guess this sort of falls into the vanity category. I notice I seem to be a very competitive mother for my own glory not Summer's. I get so envious when other kids reach a milestone before Summer. Walking has been a large thing where I have had to learn patience as you can't push her to learn this! At the moment she is fairly content on crawling her way to freedom and at the ripe old age of 1, I'm starting to see why I shouldn't worry!

We spend the first few years teaching them to Stand and Speak and the next decade telling the to sit down and shut up!

Having written these down in list format, I feel that I have started to address the fact that I need to make more effort in these categories to ensure that Summer enjoys her childhood as much as possible. In fact I would love others to share some self-improvement tips with me to help me along. Thank you so much for sharing in this moment of honesty from my part and I hope you all realise what wonderful mothers you all are!!!

"I read somewhere"

The most overused phrase used in the mothering language has to be “I read somewhere”. I remember one of the freakiest things about pregnancy was when my sister would ring me up to let me know about what she had read about pregnancy, birth or newborns somewhere that week. Gullibility is a definite weakness of mine, having landed me in trouble multiple times during my life. In fact it almost killed me when I was younger and my sister told me that spiders would nest in my mouth whilst I was sleeping, so I taped my nose and my mouth up with heavy duty duct tape and proceeded to fall asleep. Turns out you need both of these to breath. So when she rung me with a story of “I read somewhere that women who are pregnant pee their pants on a regular basis…. well I went straight out and bought some decent panty liners because there was no way I was having that happen in public! Little did I know that at 13 weeks I practically had nothing to worry about at that point.

Once I got past the supposed foot swelling, nightmare ridden, sweaty pregnant phase, I was so stressed about childbirth that it was probably a godsend that my little tub of joy came 5 weeks early. I had no time to read any text books, watch any dvds or listen to the several reasons why I should pass on pain relief! In just 48 hours, the only influence I had was my best friend, 10 minutes with my midwife and a 2 minute checkup hourly from the hospital nurse. This was probably the best way to have done it, no “I read somewhere that if you drink this [Insert old wives tale] labour comes on faster”, or “I read somewhere that if you push too hard you can damage your tailbone”

Pregnancy and Childbirth don’t even come close to the “I read somewhere” quotes about the Newborn stage.

Here are my favourites:

“I read somewhere that cloth nappies are just as simple as disposable nappies”

“I read somewhere that you just have to sleep when baby sleeps”

“I read somewhere that co-sleeping is a terrible idea”

“I read somewhere that Breast is best”

“I read somewhere that you can never tell if baby is getting enough breast milk so you should top them up with formula”

“I read somewhere that you should start a perfect minute-by-minute routine from the early stages”

Most of these contradictory phrases weren’t even backed up with any sources whatsoever or any reliable sources. But I just loved how if they read it somewhere or heard it from someone who read it from somewhere it was instantly a fact that I had to take into account as a mother from their expert non-mother opinion. Fair to say I become a lot less gullible when I became a mother.

There are two places you need to receive advice from as a mother and that is your GUT and INSTINCT! Well that’s what I read somewhere!

Online resources for mothers

One useful thing for mothers is to build a positive community of online resources to gain knowledge and advice to help us through this magical period. I have collated some of favourites, mostly New Zealand based online blogs, magazines, links and websites that provide a range of opinions, facts and community between mothers.

The Domestic Wannabe-
A blog I follow religiously! WARNING: This blog contains photos of some of the cutest kids ever! You have to read this blog for some amazing insight into motherhood and the joys it contains. I highly suggest for tips and advice to add this to your favourites. I think with the combination of amazing photography and highly relatable stories, this is fun and inspiring to read for any mother.

Baby Life Magazine-
I can't recommend this place enough. It doesn't just focus around baby necessities but also includes a directory of other useful thing like Health and Wellbeing businesses, Learning and education centres etc. I love the website (Click here to visit) because it is easy to use and holds an array of great information. I highly enjoy their status updates on facebook as it is always different, inspiring and interesting, I would suggest reading everyone of them just for entertainment.

The Baby View-
Wow! I have been a facebook fan of The Baby View for a while now and have only visited their online business directory for some contact details. However I just finished scouring their website (Click here to visit) and couldn't be more impressed at the range of helpful advice and tips that this website offers. It has a big focus on baby related businesses which is really helpful for mothers wanting a certain product, they also have recipes and a list of articles. A website definitely to store for a later read, but  like their page on facebook as it will provide a lot of resources that might make your life a little bit easier!

These are just a few of my favourites, and I am pleased to let my amazing fans know that the awesome "Jackie" from Baby Life Magazine has taken time out of her busy schedule to write a blog for next week's entry! Make sure you take a listen out for her expert advice!!!

Two videos a new mother must watch

It isn't very often that I will post a video on my blog but I saw this women, a "New's Anchor", that spoke out to a bully that had defined her as 'Obese' and sent her a very critical email insulting her. What rung true to me while watching this was her statement

"This behaviour is learnt"

 This worries me that parents are bringing up children to be critical and this lady shown below has some very inspirational words to speak. I thought I might share this video in hope that other parents, like me, realize they aren't perfect and take more responsibility in how their child responds to other people.

Okay so the next video isn't exactly a "Must Watch" but after every bit of poo you wipe up, vomit you clean and crying you soothe, it's hard to remember the good times. Here is a bit of a light hearted video that will lift your spirits no matter what sort of day you are having! Check out this baby laughing hysterically at a dog eating popcorn.

Two things to think about both for the future and the appreciation of the present! A good, thoughtful night in this household anyway.

Breast vs Bottle feeding! Why the debate?

Why the debate my wonderful followers? This is such a spectacular time with your wee one the last thing you need is pressure coming from all angles and societial pressures to ruin it. The answer is simple, If you feel comfortable, adamant and good about breastfeeding then by all means breastfeed. If you don't want to breastfeed or can't for ANY reason at all, then bottle feed. It's your personal choice as a mother to decide. Forget outside opinions, sure, gather the facts but don't let anything else influence your decision.

The westernized countries, such as New Zealand are all about promoting breastfeeding, which is totally in their right to do but then, encourage mothers to do it behind closed doors. One of my good friends who recently had a baby has just travelled to Uganda with her baby and husband, she stated the other day that there was a "Very relaxed breastfeeding culture here actually, it's nice." There are no shirts sold with the pockets to hide the breasts, they just whip it out and feed their child. This is an awesome concept to those mothers that had 50 gazillion ties or clips to undo then make sure the child is in the right place with out showing all your goodies to the world. (by the way I was one of these mothers)

Here is my experience of breastfeeding and yes, it is only ONE person's experience but I hope that I am not the only one that felt or is feeling this way:

"My daughter was born 9 months(ish) ago, 5 weeks early and quite a surprise. I had absolutely no idea about breastfeeding except a short dvd on the benefits (not an instructional video which would have been far more useful). I was lucky enough that Summer  (Miss 9 Month) was kept in hospital for her Jaundice for a week or so as this allowed the lactation consultants to teach me everything they knew. Even so, I went home not fully aware of how to breastfeed properly, and struggled with my 2kg baby as to positions to hold her in. When I got home, we realised that formula couldn't factor into our budget at all that week so I struggled past the first week and had the result that every breastfeeding mother hoped for. Summer gained weight.  This should have made me happy, ecstatic, sane! But tired,grumpy, emotional me just wanted to scream out for a valid excuse to stop breastfeeding. The time wasn't as 'bonding' as described, I loved my daughter more than the world itself and although this sounded selfish, I wanted my body back. As I look back now, 9 months on, I realise that this isn't selfish, if I had given up breastfeeding at that point, I would have been a happier, more content, able and saner mother to Summer. Instead I was thoroughly upset almost consistently over the next few months and the guilt weighed heavily for thinking such selfish thoughts. I yelled and I screamed behind closed doors and felt beyond alone yet could feel the world judging me. My sister came to stay with me over this time and I had put on the facade that I was okay with breastfeeding, "I just whip it out now" I told her a week before she came. Her response, "oh you don't really just whip it out do you?" I laughed it off, racked with sadness that my own family had reservations. My best friend was the other extreme, "She should be sleeping through the night by now, your supply isn't going down is it?" Both of these people, my sister and friend, don't have children and people without children in my opinion should not offer their opinion! Only support, non-judgemental support. My soon to be brother-in-law was boarding with us at the time and was particularly unsupportive, leaving me with no other choice than to lock myself in my room every 3-4 hours. The one moment I was at peace with my emotions was when my aunty came for a few days to stay and told me that 'my mum had issues with breastfeeding' (my mum had passed away when I was a child) and my sister went to hospital severely dehydrated because mum wasn't comfortable to breastfeed her beneath the hounding eyes of all my uncles and other family. I could definitely relate as I had sometimes resettled Summer and fed her at a less public time, with her actually missing out. Expressing wasn't an option as I could only express 5mls at one sitting maximum.

Recalling my experience even now makes me so upset, as I feel the judgement on myself building up again. However at 4 months I called it quits before I suffered a mental breakdown. I weaned her onto her bottle within a week and after that life got so much easier. My fiancee took over her weekend night feeds and I managed a full nights sleep for the first time in 4 months. My emotional strength grew and I felt like I was enjoying my daughters company instead of counting down the minutes to the next feed. There are things that people don't tell you before birth and this is one of  them. I hope I'm not alone with my thinking but if I am, this burden on my shoulders seems to have lifted after sharing it with you all."

So in conclusion, whether it was my reservations or societies, I think that society needs to enforce open breastfeeding EVERYWHERE or let mothers make up their own minds without judgement. I don't advocate either way because the third option should be MYOB! 

Newborn Photography (With NZ Links)

So if you are like me and had far more important things on your to do list  than hiring someone to photograph your newborn then these tips, tricks and important information is perfect for a quick overview on how to find your Newborn Photographer.

What your photographer should provide?

Depending on price, Professional, experienced photographers should all provide or organize the following so it pays to ask in advance;

--- Safety First ---

This should be a given for a Newborn Photographer but it's definitely worth sorting out beforehand. If there are cushions placed below the baby then this should be done so the baby can not come to any harm. Personal items such as musical instruments should be photographed separately then added together so the baby is placed on a stable surface. 

--- The best time ---

The best time to get your babies photo is within the first 10 days as a newborn baby sleeps a lot, sleeping baby means there isn't going to be too much stress on you. No flailing, and fingers crossed, no crying makes for a great photo.

--- Heating ---

Naked or Just nappy baby photos are the best but naked baby means cold baby. Make sure if you are shooting at a photographers studio that they are supplying heating.

--- Variety of Props ---

Depending on style you want to make sure that the photographer has a great variety of specialized newborn props. Of course you don't want to take away from the main feature, your darling newborn, but an array of props will hopefully make a wonderful addition to each photo.

Where to find Great Newborn Photographers?

This is my darling who was premature so was unable to get an early newborn shot and boy did we pay. She was grumpy, crying, we picked a terrible location and we hired a cheap photographer. These shots are worth paying more for.

Since then I have been scouring photographer's sites and pages to find the best of New Zealand in Newborn Photography. I will link up their sites and locations (NZ) below, and if I gain permission, I will gradually add some of their examples so you can have an idea of excellent Newborn Photography.

----- Auckland (Waitakere) ---- "Zandy J Photography"

The top of my list of Newborn photographers or photographers in general is "Zandy J Photography" The image quality is exceptional, customers only have great feedback and the images speak for themselves. If you want beautiful photos of your newborn, there is no beating this photographer. 

----- Dunedin ----"Christina Jade Photography"

I love this photographer because of the natural feel that they bring to their shoots. They have an array of props for newborns and the photos look spectacular. The customer service seems friendly and comfortable. Check out their website here.

----- Christchurch --- "Kim Hamblin Photography"

The reason this photographer stuck out was that they focused on the baby, and built the images simplistically around them while still making them the main feature. The images are beautiful and eye catching.  

---- Wellington ---- "Antonia's Photography"

These images aren't over photoshopped allowing a definite natural feel to the photos. I featured this one as I love the construction of the images, so original and it feels like you are really in the moment.

These are all my favourite picks from the main centres but I definitely encourage you to look around as what I might like others may not. However these photographers listed above provide beautiful image quality and standard that should never be missed for such special moments.

What to buy a New Mum!!!

So my sister is heading of to a baby shower in three weeks and wanted to know what she should a buy a first time mother. As a first time mother myself, who has countless times over the last few months wanted more essential items for Summer (Baby girl) than some of the appreciated yet useless gifts I have decided to create a little guide as to what I would be ever so thankful for in the first few months of baby's life.

#1 ITEM: A BABY WEARING WRAP: Instead of that "Baby's 1st Christmas Santa Stocking" that is only going to be used ONCE on one day of her whole life, how about buying a wrap that will leave mum hands free for those essential times of the day when she actually wants to move. Find a Stockist of the Moby wrap! This will be the most appreciated gift in the world. (NOTE: Do not buy any cheap imitation as the bubs safety is at risk)

#2 ITEM: A MAGIC MITTEN: I only discovered these the other day and I want a time machine to go back and make those first few months so much easier. "The Magic Mitten is a non-invasive, hand-held baby soother that gently and safely calms upset babies - like magic!" 

#3 ITEM: AN EXCERSAUCER: I  know a bit expensive but go in with a few friends and get a cheap evenflo. Anything to keep them entertained while mum is having a shower, or even just whizzing a brush through her hair. Hell, even scour trademe for one. 

#4 ITEM: A CO-SLEEPER BABY BASSINETT: Another big purchase but again get a few people to go in for it. Settling a baby is so hard and co-sleeping becomes an essential part of a mothers life even though frowned upon it happens at one point or another. A safe co-sleeper will ease the mums mind and decrease the risk of SIDS

#5 ITEM: A BABY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION: There are a range of baby mags to subscribe to but if you get a 6 month or year subscription for that mum, she won't feel so alone. Try Treasures, ohbaby etc. 

If in doubt, just ask what they need instead of assume, its a time when they will work out exactly what they need. But mostly company, meals are highly appreciated.

Postnatal: Don't worry, Be Happy

“Welcome to Motherhood” They said only a few days, sometimes hours before they push you out the door of the hospital. No manual, no 24 hour support, yet somehow you wake up after 6 months from the first ‘through the night sleep since baby’s birth’ and realise that you did it! You took on motherhood and won (even though you certainly don’t feel particularly victorious). Sure you worried about them constantly through the first months of their life but you were far too tired to let it form into any ideas.

If you find yourself starting to get more and more anxious everyday they grow, have a quick look at your diet before heading for any medication from the doctor. Of course if it is serious, by all means, don’t hesitate in seeking help but if you just feel generally worried and anxious about your baby’s wellbeing or motherhood in general, spend a few days working out the kinks in your diet by taking some of these tips into account.

Tip #1- The “No No Foods”: fried foods, unrefined sugars, and alcoholic beverages. I know it’s all the fun stuff and I am not saying to drop them all together but when some worry in the pit of your stomach starts to appear don’t overload on the KFC or McDonalds that sounds crazily appetizing.

Tip #2- I could simply tell you to eat more wholegrain foods but the first thing you might do is pop to the store and pick the most highly commercialised ‘Wholegrain’ bread. Instead of chucking it in because the label says it “wholegrain”, ignore the screaming child in the trolley, and quickly turn over for the ingredients- scan for more than 20% Wholegrain content guaranteeing that not all of the health benefits have been taken from the bread in the production process. Wholegrain food is scientifically proven to provide chemicals that become a calming neurotransmitter aka “your anxiety levels will decrease.”

Tip #3- Sushi!!! That’s right when you are feeling taken over by worry, head out to your favourite sushi bar and get some seaweed into you. If your magnesium levels are low, this can cause increased anxiety levels, seaweed will get that magnesium content right back to the level it needs to be. Who doesn’t love treating themselves to some Teriyaki chicken. Yum!!!

Tip #4- Drink!!! No this isn’t where alcohol makes a reappearance, however Water is the key. In fact dehydration is the main cause of stress or worry in 25% of cases so carry a bottle with you on those days that you just can’t handle that worry or those busy days where your diet habits may be lacking.

Tip #5- Reward yourself- I didn’t want to mention this any earlier but chocolate without the added sugars and milk reduces the stress hormone in the body. Just remember the darker the better.

Being a mother is the most terrifying job in the world but just remember that even though your baby might cause you so much worry, exclude the anxiety and you will realise how rewarding each day is with them. You are doing a fantastic job!